Hello my name is Audrianna Davine Kaulitz (or Chavez in America since I had to change my last name I my fathers when we moved to America). Well, anyway.. I wanted to share a little thing about me that is really of no interest but I finally got the courage to talk about my childhood and past from my friend Nezumi88 and my beauitful fiancé, Emily (or my Shizu~chan~).
I was born in Berlin, Germany on October 19. My mother is German and my father American. I am currently living in America and seventeen. I will be eighteen this year on October. So about my childhood, I hate talking about it, but most of all I hate thinking about it. Both of my parents were abusive and never really there. They would be home but would take time out of their day to talk about my day, play with me, or whatever you’re suppose to do with a child. My mother didnt want me and was going to get an abortion (she told this to me after church -surprise! Not-), but she couldn’t because she was too young and had to get papers filled. The day I was born my father didn’t believe I was his kid ad my mother cheated on him, so he wanted blood work to prove it. But, you see even after the blood work I didn’t have my mother’s blood type or father’s, not even my grandparents. I was also born with guanism (I know that’s spelt wrong but, I really don’t know how to spell it), it’s basically when an child comes out yellow from lack of vietnams, under weight, and lack of air. Well anyway, later in my childhood my mother was never really home and my father would get me ready, take me to school, and feed me. My father would work nights so I never got to say goodnight to him or anything. My mother and father fought a lot, like not just yelling actual physical fighting, my mother would ask me to call for help and my father threatened if I did I would never see him again, out of fear I didn’t. By the age of thirteen we moved to America to get closer to family, I can’t really re-call ever having friends in elementary school, I remember being a lone a lot, but that’s it. well, anyway at thirteen I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder that still affects my life greatly today. And by, thirteen my mother found out I was lesbian and began to rant about god and how sad she was that she wasn’t going to be able to see her own daughter in heaven, but you know? I would rather go to hell knowing I can be me and not someone I’m not. By, this time I began to make my own decisions about what is real and what’s not. I’ve gone to Sunday church school so I’m sure I have enough knowledge to make that decision, so I’m atheist. I have also already slept with a girl and learned that she was only using me to see what it was like to be with a girl, that absolutely crushed me. So I thought if my mother doesn’t like me and all I am is an experimental sexual appeal then why live? That was the first night I tried to commit suicide by slitting my wrists and anywhere else I could cut on my body. My mother caught me and rushed me to the hospital. The second time I tried to commit suicide was by again slitting my body, again I was caught. By then I had to go to therapy and my disorder seemed to be getting worse. Finally the third time I was going to drown myself because you see I can’t swim and we had a pool, but, this time I couldn’t do it I was about to jump in but I couldn’t make the movement to actually jump in. This all happened through the time period of thirteen to sixteen, my mother and father got divorced and re-married. My mother is still abusive and my step-father has no respect for me or my sister. After that last night I went to sleep and had a dream about meeting my finacè but, I only thought it was dream until I actually met her. Her name is Emily olguin and she seriously saved my life.. I was a sophomore in high school and all the friends that I thought were my actual friends were turning out to be what their not. And I know at seventeen you might be thinking, “a fiancé? That’s a little young.” But, I am happy that I was able to find someone young and have this feeling every waking day, even though we live a distance away I’m willing to wait until the year I can leave and start new with her. I still have a lot of struggles today, I have to go to work every Monday through Wednesday because my step-dad won’t find a job. My mother still preaches to me and takes me to church so I can go onto the “right” path. I’m now a junior and don’t have any friends in school and my disorder has it’s lows and ups depending upon the day.
All I really want to get across is that even though the light seems dim and there appears to be no hope just keep going forward. My hope is that one day I can change the world into something a new through my art either it be animation or game graphics. I want a new hope for man kind that all this fighting and life style can be changed. We don’t have to stay as beasts when we have learned so much.